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17 November 2008

Still a Separatist

It's a new day, and I'm still bleh.

Back when I was going through my separation and subsequent divorce, DMB's Grey Street really described the emotions I was going through. I felt like all of the joy and happiness in my life was being sucked out, leaving nothing but the bleak, lifeless remains. I was stuck in a place that wasn't where I wanted to be. The dreams and hopes that I had always had were at risk of being pushed aside for someone else's contentment. I knew what I needed to do to get out of the situation, but those steps were scary and risky. What happens if I fail? What if turns out to be all for naught. It was a tough time, and the song described those emotions perfectly. After the divorce and the color had returned to my life, I still really appreciated the song. It reminded me of the power of music and helped me to feel like someone else had been through this before and understood my struggle.

Today on the stairclimber, that song came on the iPod. Normally I just "sing" along and continue my workout. Today, when the some came on, I was unable to "sing" and read my magazine. I realized that, while I'm not going through a rocky marriage right now, those emotions and that sense of "something more" is the same. I feel them again, and I'm not thrilled about it. I have no real firm direction or plan. I feel like there is no life left in me. I feel the vitality and joy being sucked right out of me. My outlook is bleak and grey. 

When is this shit going to pass? Seriously. 
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