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29 February 2012

Filling in the gaps

I've been a superficial blogger in recent weeks. I've been blogging mainly about things that are of little importance and don't really reveal too much about my real life. And there has been a very good reason for that. I've been through some major life transitions this winter, and only now do I feel comfortable and ready to write about them in a public forum.

Most importantly, this past December, The Boy and I parted ways. After being together for the better part of a decade, I made a really hard decision that forced me to be selfish and to consider my own personal future and happiness more than that of someone else. For those who know, I struggle with balancing my own happiness with the happiness of others. That's why one of my New Year's Resolutions was to say "no" more often and take care of me a bit more. While I love The Boy and want nothing but the absolute best for him, I had come to the realization over time that he wasn't what I needed to be happy. Our values and plans for the future were just different enough to make a long(er) term relationship work. Of course, I could have just kept up with the status quo, but I realized that I wasn't happy accepting anything less than my ideal. That may be a Disney fairy tale expectation, but it is what it is. (I am, after all, a girl who always wanted to be a princess!) The Boy moved back to his home state, and I've begun living a solitary life. The transition has been a hard one, and one that I've never navigated before. But we are still friends and keep in touch. Obviously, because of the intensely personal nature of the situation as well as the fact that it involves another party, I chose not to share until now. I told those close to me individually, but I'm not the kind of person to advertise things of this nature on Facebook and Twitter and the blogs.

The break-up was hard. Lots of tears and feeling like total garbage. A ton of second guessing myself and wondering if it would just be easier to stick it out and compromise rather than make a change based on my needs. It took everything in me to not take the easy way out. I'm always telling others that "growth means discomfort," and I can't be a hypocrite and then avoid the discomfort and thus growth. It sucked. A lot. I cried. A lot. But, with the love and support of my friends and family, I made it through. And I'd like to think I'm better for it.

Being newly single, I realize that I haven't actually dated since ... high school. Yep. Seriously. The last person I actively dated was my ex-husband (before he was my husband and then ex-husband, of course!). When The Boy and I got together, we didn't really date much. We just connected and things went from there. So here I am, faced with playing the field at 31. And it's weird. I don't even know how to do this. I'm definitely not looking to get tied down right now, but I don't even know where to meet people. And, given my trust issues, I think I may have even more problems. Great. I've been out a few times with a couple of guys, but it definitely wasn't anything noteworthy. Thankfully, I'm quite happy with my life right now and being alone but surrounded by friends and people I love is pretty fantastic.

Perhaps in the months to come, my dating antics will become a (regular?) feature of this blog. We'll see. But, for now, I'm enjoying my space and my time and my renewed independence. I've been attached to someone else for so long (whether married or in long-term relationships), that I've forgotten (never knew?) what it is like to be solo. I like it so far. Granted, it's relatively new, but the shine certainly hasn't worn off yet.
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