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07 January 2011

Wanting what I don't want?

The last few days have been quite challenging. Not physically or mentally. But emotionally. And now, that the "crisis" is over, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about everything.

This week, I had a "scare." My period was due on Tuesday, and my cycle is like clockwork. I always get my period between midnight and 6am on the day it is due. This month, my due date came and went with nothing. Nada. Zip. No cramps. No bloating. No anything. I wasn't all that worried until three days had passed without any sign of my period. The Boy had a vasectomy a long time ago, so I shouldn't have worried. But there is a 0.05% chance that the vas deferns can regrow and reconnect. Knowing my luck, that would happen to us. It is now four full days past my due date, and there is still nothing. Today I peed on a stick (not just any stick of course!) to ease my concerns. It very quickly came back negative. Phew.

I've never had a scare before. My mind immediately began to whirl. I made a decision long ago that I didn't want kids. I LOVE children (obviously! I'm a teacher!), but I don't want my own. I'm too selfish. I like to travel and to shop an to live a rather carefree existence. Because of my personal beliefs, if pregnancy were to ever happen, I would obviously make the best of things and become a mom. But, given a choice, I'd prefer to be a perma-auntie instead of a mother. But this whole situation has given me pause to think.

When faced with the remote possibility of being pregnant, I was surprisingly not upset. I was nervous. Anxious. Unsure. But I wasn't upset. My mind reeled at the thought of the expense of a child -- both financially and emotionally -- and I wrestled with imagining what the burden would be. But I also couldn't help but feel a little excited. A little eager. A little happy. I thought about having a little creature to care for and love and mother and tend to. And when my period started this evening, I couldn't help feeling a bit of sadness mixed with that relief. And now I don't know what I feel.

Having a child now would be horrible, horrible timing. My apartment is small, my budget is tight, I live alone and with no help. My life is pretty non-child-friendly. But, if it happened by some twist of fate, I would make do. I could never in good conscience plan a baby while I live in this situation, but the prospect of it happening accidentally didn't devastate me.

Now, after a solid decade of being firmly decided against having children, now I'm not so sure how I feel. And that creates a huge problem in my life.
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