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19 June 2012

What dreams may come

Last night I had a weird dream. I was high atop a ladder. It was one of those A-frame ladders, not the kind you just lean up against a building. I was on the very top step -- you know, the part that they tell you NOT to stand on -- and I was trying to fix something on a roof. When I looked down, I saw that I was probably your stories above ground. I immediately got very nervous, and, of course, the ladder started to wobble. I held on for dear life, worried that I was going to fall. The more I tried to stand still and make the ladder stop moving, the more it because unsteady and shaky. Of course, I kept looking down, growing more and more terrified. I gripped the eaves of the roof more tightly and became resigned to the fact that there was no climbing down.

And then, of course, I woke up.

Now, I don't believe in the supposed "power of dreams" because I know the scientific reasons behind why we dream. I don't believe they predict the future or have significance that needs to be interpreted. They are dreams. They are how we process and digest and compartmentalize the information and experiences from the previous day. Dreams are our brains converting information into long- and short-term memory.

But this dream resonated with me. But not until about 2 in the afternoon.

I'm currently in the middle of a potentially life-changing moment. As I've alluded to before, I'm not 100% happy in my current position, and, since my focus this year is working to find my own happiness, I've been pursuing other options. I didn't think anything would come of it because it is so late in the year, but something has come of it. I have an important interview on Monday in a certain Mid-Atlantic city. Making the decision to either leave a place that has been good to me and has given me so many wonderful friends and experiences or stay and deal with some significant stressors is a hard one.

I've reached the point where I have to decide between what makes me happy and what could potentially disappoint those I care about. Part of my problem in life is that I'm a people pleaser, and I often sacrifice my own happiness to ensure the happiness of others. And I'm there now. I'm caught between what I want and what I feel like I should do because it is deeply engrained in my psyche. The thought of disappointing those I love makes me nauseous, but the thought of not pursuing something I want makes me feel so defeated.

So right now I feel like I am standing atop that wobbly ladder with no good choice for escape. Either way I go, it's going to hurt. But my foundations are shaky, and a change needs to be made.

Of course, all this may be moot if I'm not even offered the job ...
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